Let it go…

Letting go of your past is never easy, in fact sometimes its down right impossible.

I have never held to the idea that it all happens for a reason, sometimes things just cant be explained. I’m seeing now why book three is so important. Just like these characters, there is something left to do, something left to take care of… just finding out how… it isn’t easy !

What do you hold on to in life ? And is it always a good thing ?


Anyone who knows me… I mean really knows me knows I have a self esteem of 0. This comes from years of an emotional turmoil early in life, and a not so nice boyfriend in high school (yes I let go of the pain he caused me, the damage is enough to live with). My other issue is I have a severe case of BDD ( body dysmorphic disorder). I describe looking into a mirror like looking at the ones you see in fun houses, the ones that twist everything. That my friends is a literal description of what it is I see when I look at myself.  Lately I have been trying my hardest to change that… why ?

Because five little words have been said more and more lately.

“She looks just like you.”  Most of the time they are speaking about my 16 year old daughter Sarah.  I look at my daughters.. all three of them, and to me they are the most beautiful girls in the world. So smart, so talented, so much ahead of them… and I wont be one to hamper them. I never want my girls to starve themselves, or hurt themselves, or go through nights of not sleeping wondering if they are good enough, EVER !  My heart breaks at the thought of someone imposing their opinion on my kids self worth. So I work at it, as much as it hurts… I look at myself and try to find it.

I have my days where it works, and others where I feel like breaking the mirrors.. but it takes work. Kinda like this third book -_- .  This third book is a twist off of the first two, most of the characters are the same but I have new ones, and the progression of the story is different ! I can honestly say I am not totally sure of what I am doing !  But here I am, still staring at my key board and praying for the words…. Just keep trying !

I posted on my facebook weeks ago, I posted a status cheering on the girls that grew up like me ! Cheering them on, promote being HEALTHY NOT SKINNY !!!! I hope so much that the world will continue on with the push of self image !

Till then, I still search the mirror, and tell my girls… you’re beautiful !

Reader participation appreciated.

I am going to ask a favor of my readers, maybe get some of you involved in the third book slightly. Both of the other books have flash backs in them pieces of Jordan and Hayden’s story that needed to be filled in, This book will not have as many flashes in it, the story just isn’t working that way. But I need some, some puzzle pieces if you will ! So what I am asking, if you have read the first two books and there is something that you think I have skipped over or would like to see explained in a bit more detail, private message me.


I cant promise that they will all make the book, but it would be nice to see what others want to see in their story.


You can leave me a message here, or on Facebook, either identity will work, or email me if you think it will be too long… and if its a really really good idea, I will even give ya a nod 😉


Thanks all


Smoking sucks !

My dad almost died two days ago because of it… his COPD was so bad he couldn’t breath…. so I entered two days of hell !

He never gets help, never tries to get better till its almost too late, and Monday at 2 am it was almost too late.

My mother is just as bad. Sees a stigma in her dementia she suffers from  and refuses treatment !
So there is a lot on my older brother , sister and my own plate right now… no time to really write !  But I want to make this perfectly clear… Dad, I’m done !!!! I threw out your cigarettes, and any others you buy that I find, I will toss !!!!


Not Available?

You may (or may not) have noticed that Forget Me Not has not yet appeared on the Kobo store or the Sony ereader store.
We are currently working to resolve this issue and will let you know once it is resolved.

Writing backwards !

Well at least in the wrong order !

Two nights ago, about 1 am I woke up with the ending of book three buzzing around in my head, and in the horrible process of having to be up and writing it, the scene before that came to me.

So what is with this backwards story telling…. I hear its pretty common. I know in my other stories I write out of order, never holding myself to order although I prefer it, but I have never gotten the end of it this early, and been so certain of it !!
So I am wondering is this common with anyone else other than me ?


Reading it… again !!!

I spent the last few days reading Remember Me again, now reading Forget me Not… AGAIN !
I actually laughed at myself last week while in the midst of Remember Me because I didn’t want to stop reading, wanting to see what happens next…. WAIT A SECOND ! I wrote this book, I KNOW what happened… I MADE it happen !

That I have to admit was a weird moment for me, because usually I do not want to read them again, I know the story… too well !

So here I am in the midst of writing I’ll be seeing you.  The novel that is supposed to change it all for me ( if you want the story behind that, just ask, its a little silly) and I start to wonder, what scenes from my previous books that people remember the most, that they can see in their mind, and I wonder what t is they see ?

Well then, back to writing !


Counting blessings

I was watching a rerun of a show today in which I heard the saying “Know blessings, not losses.” It was the personal mantra of a woman who had lost her son when he was four years old. Although I was busy writing at the same time the phrase caught my attention.

I watched how this saying was made into a song, talking about loss.   Started me thinking… how does this woman who had lost her only child at the age of 4 take on the idea that she would not focus on the loss of her situation, but rather remember the blessings…. wow.

Since this afternoon I have been making mental notes of who it was I had lost and what blessings they had left me with. Of course there are the obvious ones… but I wanted to look deeper into it, and try to remember the little things, the little things I miss and just didn’t realize I missed them.

I can’t say that the whole concept is comfortable to me, but I think that it is something I will try to adopt in life…. seek out the blessings ! Don’t dwell on what you have lost, but rather what you gained from it all.

This could really work in all sorts of losses… got a couple in mind that I would like to try it with, let ya know how it goes 🙂

101,000 and above !!!



and thank all of you too !!!!!!!


Harlee !

I’m not okay.

Today … has just not been my day.

So mixed with the emotions of what today is, the emotions surfacing from the third book, and the stress at home… I can in all seriousness say, I’m not okay.

I watched through the memorials this morning, and watched the footage from eleven years ago. I went into work , finished the article I was working on then came home. The entire time I just felt off and wrong !

I think I have said before that I based Hayden ( my lead female character) on myself, on who I was. But I began to realize it was more than that. I have pulled stories from my past and used them in the book. I will not tell you what they are, but there are things that happened to Hayden that have really happened to me. The only difference was there was never a Jordan to save me. I never had a knight in shining armor that even attempted to save me.

There is an old saying…. you cannot judge me until you have walked in my shoes. You don’t know what I have lived through and I seriously doubt you could make it through the things I have and still walk on the way I do !   When you see me smile, understand… I have earned every smile I get !


Yeah before you go off…. people have lived through worse, have suffered more, and have lost more in their lives. I have no doubt of that. But I have never been one for comparing scars. We all have our trials, and they affect us all in different ways. Mine ( though some still seem to be trying to kill me) have only pushed me to be stronger.


Maybe some day I will let it slip which of Hayden’s trials I have personally lived through. Maybe if you ask nice I will tell you. Or maybe someday the books will become enough so Oprah will ask and then I will tell the world !!!

Till then, keep guessing my friends !