I’ve been busy… life got busy. My dad died, my mom got sick. My entire thought process of who I am and what I want changed. I’m back in school to get my masters in English/ Literature.
And now… Im expecting, hoping, and praying to have I’ll Be Seeing You out late 2017.
Thanks all for the patience
Most everyone knows now my dad passed away Friday. He was 74 years old… and if he had taken care of himself we should have had a few more years with him. I started to fear my dads death about 20 years ago when he told me he wouldn’t live to see 60. Every time he went into the hospital I was afraid it would be his last time. I’m actually still in that funny denial stage that he is gone. Which brings me tot he point of this post…
My dad entered hospice the week he died, I mean.. he was there a day and a half before he passed on. These people are like saints on earth as far as I am concerned, they took away a big burden I had, and that burden was letting him go. I was so terrified he would be alone when he went, even worse he would die at home and my mother and sister ( my mother has dementia, my sister is mentally challenged) would find him that it was hard for me to be at peace about him passing. Admitting him into hospice made it easier for him to realize it was okay to go… or at least I hope it did. In the end my father was alone in his room when he finally passed on, and I realize now that’s what he would have wanted… to not see us in pain waiting with him, watching that last breath.
The hospice sent me a note today, and a booklet about dealing with grief, as I read it this afternoon it became very clear how much these words hit home, and that I was meant to read them but as I read on a nagging feeling hit that these few pages should say more. So if you don’t mind, I am gonna take a few minutes to add-on to the advice this book gave me.
The first line that hit me funny… beware of developing unrealistic expectations of yourself. Don’t let others put them on you either…. okay wow…. guilty as charged. I am horrible about accepting help with anything, maybe it’s because of how many times I have been burned by those who want to “help”. I have heard the phrase ” you aren’t alone” way too many times this last week. At times it makes me wanna lash out violently at the person delivering the statement. Especially when I know they have no clue whats going on in my head and heart right now. I get it… they want to help. But that phrase, you aren’t alone in this, when what you feel is alone because the one person you want is gone, doesn’t help.
That brings me to phrase two… “if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.” I have come up with a new answer to this one.. stop asking me what you can do to help, and if you sincerely want to help, pick something and do it. Helping to me means doing it before I even realize it has to be done, because when I realize it has to be done, it’s too late, I’ve done it. I don’t like sounding so snippy with this piece of advice. But on my good days decisions aren’t easy for me, so asking me to decide when I am in emotional shock isn’t going to be any easier. If you know anyone else like this you might try sending a gift card for a grocery store, or pizza place. I appreciate every offer made to me, but honestly, I have no idea how to answer the question… what do you need help with. One of the biggest helps I have had this last week was an acquaintance who had lost her father, when I told her what I was feeling, she simply did what I was needing right then… confirmed I wasnt going crazy.
Another big one for me…I’m gonna cry and I am gonna lash out, and I’ve been told this is okay.
The councilor at my daughters school was very close to meeting her untimely end on Tuesday when she said a few things that enraged me. In normal times I would swallow it and blow later, but this time I physically showed signs of wanting to jump the desk and get her ! So that being said, let me apologize in advance to any of you I snap at in the next few weeks.
The final thing I wanted to add to this tonight… the book says when people ask how you feel, don’t tell them you are fine. I laughed at this, thinking I’m fine… fine like Sally Fields character from Steel Magnolias when she lost her daughter…
Okay, Im not fine. I lost my daddy. I don’t care what age you are, how close you were in life, or what the circumstances of the passing is… it hurts… worse than anything I have EVER experienced. I know he was sick, and I know he is at peace now, but I want him here; because regardless of how stressful he made my life, he was my daddy… and I miss my daddy.
A while ago.. a long while… ago I wrote a story about singing again.I haven’t sung since my girls father died. I find no joy in it any longer. I went on that emotional journey of finding my voice again. Trying to inspire myself… and I still don’t sing. Life sort of affects you that way sometimes; one minute you are sailing along beautifully thinking what could be more perfect and then boom… the wind gets knocked out of those sails and you are stuck in the ocean.
Lately I cant write. It isn’t in me, the words don’t come even when the ideas do. I sit and stare at a blank page and bring myself to tears over it. The wind has yet again been knocked out of my sails. This time though… its more than just loss that has me by the throat. To tell you the truth I’m not really sure what it is.. I just know I cant right now. I feel lost in this world of pages and ideas that used to inspire me. Now they just make me angry, then I look at things around me and that makes me more angry. I used to understand life, I used to be able to breath and step back from situations and see what was going on life made me a better writer… now it feels like its killing my dreams (a little Les Miserables yes I know) Not really sure what the point of this is except maybe to wake myself up to the idea I need to change something… fast, before it is too far gone.
Ive been thinking about this topic for a very long time now… actually if you want to be technical. 20 years this subject has been running in the back of my head. Let me start this post by saying. I am not insulting anyone, I am not blaming anyone in particular, I am writing this to attempt to ease my mind !
Ive never fit in… ever. When I was small I was always grouped with my sister. Through almost no fault of her own she wasn’t someone people wanted to be around. She has been sick since we we were kids and honestly, she isn’t easy to be around. So this kind of labeled me as one of the odd balls. The label followed me through life.
In high school I wasn’t pretty, I wasn’t smart, I wasn’t popular. I was pretty much a nobody. I fought everyday to stay where I was and not run away from the torment I felt at the school I attended. Yes I had friends, and I loved them and love them dearly, but honestly… I was never accepted. I felt ignored. I validate this to myself by saying… not one person I went to high school with knew I was being beaten and abused by my high school boyfriend. ( To my friends that didn’t know… I was really good at covering bruises and hiding scars. I was also way too afraid to talk to anyone about it. So please don’t think I am upset at any of you for not seeing it… a lot of that was me.) It pushed me to really hate the idea of things like reunions….
So here goes. Last weekend was supposed to be my twenty year high school reunion. Twenty years of being out of a place that I felt smaller than small. Where I didnt feel wanted or accepted. Where I was told by teachers that what I thought was talent was me only fooling myself. A place that was at least in my head responsible for part of my self esteem problems. Two years ago I wouldn’t have even thought about wanting to go; then life got oddly complicated. In a rather uncomfortable circumstance my daughters will be attending the same school district this year. I have pushed myself in the last few weeks to try to not be anxious about this… but I literally had a panic attack when we took my daughter into the junior high to tour it ( the same building I went to high school in.) I could remember everything that happened to me there, and it brought up a lot of old wounds. So I had decided I wanted to try to go to my reunion. I wanted some way to put into my mind that this place…. wasn’t so bad. As life would have it I couldn’t afford to attend the reunion. We are now a week away from school starting, and I am desperately trying to fix my thoughts about this school… if only for my girls sake. Its hard. I’m begging them to bear with me as I try to work through this. A lot of people tell me it isn’t the same school anymore…. I need more proof than that, I need to feel it. Just not sure how to achieve that goal.
In case anyone is wondering… I have accepted my oddness. I realize it makes me who I am. My self esteem still REALLY sucks, still working on that. So here is hoping I am proved wrong this time…. here is really hoping !
Three years ago today I lost someone… someone who I didn’t realize I would miss so badly till he was gone. He and I had been apart, yet through our girls… attached for many years. But in that horrible moment when they told me he was gone it threw our world off course, and it has never been the same. What is worse is that I discovered the depths of a pain I never understood before. I watched my beautiful girls hurt so badly, and even though I wanted to desperately fix it, I couldn’t. I watched and stood by as people attempted to, but had no understanding for the grief they felt, for the pain they experienced. I feel deeper into my own pain as people didn’t seem to understand what I was feeling. I had hoped by this point that pain would have dulled.. but I still sit here three years later, hurting. As the minutes tick away today I will remember what I was doing three years ago. I will push away as much of the pain as I can, breath deeply, and hope I can make it through this. I will hold my daughters if they need it. I will follow their lead in what whatever we need to do to make it through this day, and tomorrow I will get up and begin year four; hoping that when I make it to this time next year, there might be fewer tears that spill from my eyes.
Robert… you are deeply missed by everyone’s lives you touched. I pray every day I am doing what you would want for our girls. The days like today that I remember the dream I had a week after you died… sitting on a backyard swing with you, watching our girls play, knowing when you got up you had to leave. Your words still ringing in my ears. “I love you mama… you are doing a good job… keep going.”
In your memory today I do as you ask… and keep going.
Really damn busy… I’m trying my hardest to make a name for myself in my profession. Bare with me people! Writing is a process… takes a lot of work.
I became a parent at the age of 19. I remember looking down at my baby girl and wondering how I was ever going to do this…
I am on the verge of that baby girls 18th birthday now. She is strong, beautiful, confident, smart, funny, and just all together an amazing human being. As are my other children. I survived years of learning how to be a mother, although I’m still being taught many lessons on the subject.
In this last 18 years I have grown up a lot more than I care t admit. I have learned to be a wife, mother, housekeeper, cook, driver, therapist… you name it.
I have gained and lost, and lost a little more than I am comfortable with.
This is what makes us grow as human beings, what makes us who we are…. thinking maybe I’d like to be a little less than what I am.
Letting go of your past is never easy, in fact sometimes its down right impossible.
I have never held to the idea that it all happens for a reason, sometimes things just cant be explained. I’m seeing now why book three is so important. Just like these characters, there is something left to do, something left to take care of… just finding out how… it isn’t easy !
What do you hold on to in life ? And is it always a good thing ?
Anyone who knows me… I mean really knows me knows I have a self esteem of 0. This comes from years of an emotional turmoil early in life, and a not so nice boyfriend in high school (yes I let go of the pain he caused me, the damage is enough to live with). My other issue is I have a severe case of BDD ( body dysmorphic disorder). I describe looking into a mirror like looking at the ones you see in fun houses, the ones that twist everything. That my friends is a literal description of what it is I see when I look at myself. Lately I have been trying my hardest to change that… why ?
Because five little words have been said more and more lately.
“She looks just like you.” Most of the time they are speaking about my 16 year old daughter Sarah. I look at my daughters.. all three of them, and to me they are the most beautiful girls in the world. So smart, so talented, so much ahead of them… and I wont be one to hamper them. I never want my girls to starve themselves, or hurt themselves, or go through nights of not sleeping wondering if they are good enough, EVER ! My heart breaks at the thought of someone imposing their opinion on my kids self worth. So I work at it, as much as it hurts… I look at myself and try to find it.
I have my days where it works, and others where I feel like breaking the mirrors.. but it takes work. Kinda like this third book -_- . This third book is a twist off of the first two, most of the characters are the same but I have new ones, and the progression of the story is different ! I can honestly say I am not totally sure of what I am doing ! But here I am, still staring at my key board and praying for the words…. Just keep trying !
I posted on my facebook weeks ago, I posted a status cheering on the girls that grew up like me ! Cheering them on, promote being HEALTHY NOT SKINNY !!!! I hope so much that the world will continue on with the push of self image !
Till then, I still search the mirror, and tell my girls… you’re beautiful !
I am going to ask a favor of my readers, maybe get some of you involved in the third book slightly. Both of the other books have flash backs in them pieces of Jordan and Hayden’s story that needed to be filled in, This book will not have as many flashes in it, the story just isn’t working that way. But I need some, some puzzle pieces if you will ! So what I am asking, if you have read the first two books and there is something that you think I have skipped over or would like to see explained in a bit more detail, private message me.
I cant promise that they will all make the book, but it would be nice to see what others want to see in their story.
You can leave me a message here, or on Facebook, either identity will work, or email me if you think it will be too long… and if its a really really good idea, I will even give ya a nod 😉
My dad almost died two days ago because of it… his COPD was so bad he couldn’t breath…. so I entered two days of hell !
He never gets help, never tries to get better till its almost too late, and Monday at 2 am it was almost too late.
My mother is just as bad. Sees a stigma in her dementia she suffers from and refuses treatment !
So there is a lot on my older brother , sister and my own plate right now… no time to really write ! But I want to make this perfectly clear… Dad, I’m done !!!! I threw out your cigarettes, and any others you buy that I find, I will toss !!!!
Well at least in the wrong order !
Two nights ago, about 1 am I woke up with the ending of book three buzzing around in my head, and in the horrible process of having to be up and writing it, the scene before that came to me.
So what is with this backwards story telling…. I hear its pretty common. I know in my other stories I write out of order, never holding myself to order although I prefer it, but I have never gotten the end of it this early, and been so certain of it !!
So I am wondering is this common with anyone else other than me ?
I spent the last few days reading Remember Me again, now reading Forget me Not… AGAIN !
I actually laughed at myself last week while in the midst of Remember Me because I didn’t want to stop reading, wanting to see what happens next…. WAIT A SECOND ! I wrote this book, I KNOW what happened… I MADE it happen !
That I have to admit was a weird moment for me, because usually I do not want to read them again, I know the story… too well !
So here I am in the midst of writing I’ll be seeing you. The novel that is supposed to change it all for me ( if you want the story behind that, just ask, its a little silly) and I start to wonder, what scenes from my previous books that people remember the most, that they can see in their mind, and I wonder what t is they see ?
Well then, back to writing !
I was watching a rerun of a show today in which I heard the saying “Know blessings, not losses.” It was the personal mantra of a woman who had lost her son when he was four years old. Although I was busy writing at the same time the phrase caught my attention.
I watched how this saying was made into a song, talking about loss. Started me thinking… how does this woman who had lost her only child at the age of 4 take on the idea that she would not focus on the loss of her situation, but rather remember the blessings…. wow.
Since this afternoon I have been making mental notes of who it was I had lost and what blessings they had left me with. Of course there are the obvious ones… but I wanted to look deeper into it, and try to remember the little things, the little things I miss and just didn’t realize I missed them.
I can’t say that the whole concept is comfortable to me, but I think that it is something I will try to adopt in life…. seek out the blessings ! Don’t dwell on what you have lost, but rather what you gained from it all.
This could really work in all sorts of losses… got a couple in mind that I would like to try it with, let ya know how it goes 🙂
BOTH BOOKS !!!!!!
THANK YOU GOD !!!!!
and thank all of you too !!!!!!!
Today … has just not been my day.
So mixed with the emotions of what today is, the emotions surfacing from the third book, and the stress at home… I can in all seriousness say, I’m not okay.
I watched through the memorials this morning, and watched the footage from eleven years ago. I went into work , finished the article I was working on then came home. The entire time I just felt off and wrong !
I think I have said before that I based Hayden ( my lead female character) on myself, on who I was. But I began to realize it was more than that. I have pulled stories from my past and used them in the book. I will not tell you what they are, but there are things that happened to Hayden that have really happened to me. The only difference was there was never a Jordan to save me. I never had a knight in shining armor that even attempted to save me.
There is an old saying…. you cannot judge me until you have walked in my shoes. You don’t know what I have lived through and I seriously doubt you could make it through the things I have and still walk on the way I do ! When you see me smile, understand… I have earned every smile I get !
Yeah before you go off…. people have lived through worse, have suffered more, and have lost more in their lives. I have no doubt of that. But I have never been one for comparing scars. We all have our trials, and they affect us all in different ways. Mine ( though some still seem to be trying to kill me) have only pushed me to be stronger.
Maybe some day I will let it slip which of Hayden’s trials I have personally lived through. Maybe if you ask nice I will tell you. Or maybe someday the books will become enough so Oprah will ask and then I will tell the world !!!
Till then, keep guessing my friends !
There is a list actually.
We will start with the serious ones
1 Fire… yes it terrifies me.
2 Clowns… creepy little things they are.
3 Being alone… I really really don’t like it.
4 Not being accepted or loved… this terrifies me more than it probably should, but it really does.
5 Spiders… ummm yeah that’s pretty self explanatory !
6 And last but not least,
There I said it… I’m scared of succeeding, not to the point of sabotage, but all I can think is… then what ? I’m guessing its time to try to move past that fear, because my fan base is growing. So everyone bear with me as I face down one of my biggest fears… maybe some day I will work on spiders (yeah right!)
I wrote a note on my Facebook page several months ago in hopes of explaining why I don’t sing any longer; in truth I was just tired of saying it in person. Although the explanation didn’t seem to satisfy some people I think I made my point. I thought I was done trying to explain myself until recently I had a friend ask me… why do I write ?
Hmm….. let me think about that one a second. Why do I write ? It isn’t for the sheer enjoyment of the the process I can tell you that. I grew up with dyslexia, so writing isn’t easy for me. Maybe it is because the voices in my head tell me to ? ( Just kidding, the voices in my head are angry at me and aren’t speaking to me at the moment 😉 ) This was never the career I wanted. I wanted to be an actor, or a DJ, something fun that didn’t require lots and lots of work… and writing takes LOTS of work. When I first started to write it was entertainment to me. I used it like others use TV shows. The stories I could come up with surprised me and entertained my friends. They were an escape from tough times, and allowed me to be who and what I wanted to be when I was writing !
So what is the serious answer to the answer to the question why do I write ?
Because it was a talent I was blessed with by God. Because it took me forever to realize that. I have so many stories that I have started that are in process that I am hoping someday inspiration of finishing them will come. I’m hoping that these stories and my books in a way touch, or help people. I write… to communicate.
A friend of mine used to in jest call me a tool…. not a tool as in a looser the way most people mean it; but a useful object that can be used to achieve a goal or a purpose. Pretty cool huh ? I will settle for being a tool for the right reasons, if it means that someday someone can look at me and say any of my creations have meant anything to them in life !
Today is my fathers 73rd birthday…. he has been really sick lately. Today was also the day his doctor told me there is nothing he can do for him now. Whatever damage is done to his body is done. I hate the idea of loosing my dad, but I know its coming. I will live through the same pain my daughters did a few years ago when they lost their dad. The one thing that both his death and my dads illness has taught me is to take care of myself (which I am working hard on) Its a long struggle, but Im slowly winning.
Still working, still writing
I had intended by this point in the week to have accomplished something ( yeah I know its Monday) I wanted Forget Me Not to be out, I wanted to have more of I’ll be seeing you done.
Man did life throw me for a loop. Instead of all of that I got…
My dad in the hospital, not sure if he will recover from this, my mother loosing it… ENTIRELY ! Verbally attacked by someone I haven’t spoken to in MONTHS ! Seriously, it wasn’t necessary !
So here I am on Monday, feeling like its Friday. I will accomplish this week what I wanted to last !
How is that for resilience ?
Finally reached a very difficult scene today, one that brought me to tears to write. Glad its out of the way, but now I have to go to bed and deal with memories !
Guess that’s why I stopped here a moment. To say this to everyone. Girls out there (including my own) Guys who love you will not hit you, they will not make you cry, in fact its the opposite, they will do just about anything to make sure you are not crying. This includes verbal hits as well, sometimes those are so much worse !
And guys…. bullying your girlfriends doesn’t make you cooler or more of a man, it makes you a coward !
Okay, rant done….. with that I bid you good night !
I am at a point in this third book where I have to push past the fuzzy parts and get the story even in a vague form on the paper, and that’s not easy for me to do ! When I do my speeches for classes I tend to tell them erasers are evil things…. don’t ever erase a thought. I should practice what I preach. I’m stuck in a haze of writers block…. doesn’t help I am not feeling well today, but I have set a goal chapter one by days end. Wish me luck !