Ive been thinking about this topic for a very long time now… actually if you want to be technical. 20 years this subject has been running in the back of my head. Let me start this post by saying. I am not insulting anyone, I am not blaming anyone in particular, I am writing this to attempt to ease my mind !
Ive never fit in… ever. When I was small I was always grouped with my sister. Through almost no fault of her own she wasn’t someone people wanted to be around. She has been sick since we we were kids and honestly, she isn’t easy to be around. So this kind of labeled me as one of the odd balls. The label followed me through life.
In high school I wasn’t pretty, I wasn’t smart, I wasn’t popular. I was pretty much a nobody. I fought everyday to stay where I was and not run away from the torment I felt at the school I attended. Yes I had friends, and I loved them and love them dearly, but honestly… I was never accepted. I felt ignored. I validate this to myself by saying… not one person I went to high school with knew I was being beaten and abused by my high school boyfriend. ( To my friends that didn’t know… I was really good at covering bruises and hiding scars. I was also way too afraid to talk to anyone about it. So please don’t think I am upset at any of you for not seeing it… a lot of that was me.) It pushed me to really hate the idea of things like reunions….
So here goes. Last weekend was supposed to be my twenty year high school reunion. Twenty years of being out of a place that I felt smaller than small. Where I didnt feel wanted or accepted. Where I was told by teachers that what I thought was talent was me only fooling myself. A place that was at least in my head responsible for part of my self esteem problems. Two years ago I wouldn’t have even thought about wanting to go; then life got oddly complicated. In a rather uncomfortable circumstance my daughters will be attending the same school district this year. I have pushed myself in the last few weeks to try to not be anxious about this… but I literally had a panic attack when we took my daughter into the junior high to tour it ( the same building I went to high school in.) I could remember everything that happened to me there, and it brought up a lot of old wounds. So I had decided I wanted to try to go to my reunion. I wanted some way to put into my mind that this place…. wasn’t so bad. As life would have it I couldn’t afford to attend the reunion. We are now a week away from school starting, and I am desperately trying to fix my thoughts about this school… if only for my girls sake. Its hard. I’m begging them to bear with me as I try to work through this. A lot of people tell me it isn’t the same school anymore…. I need more proof than that, I need to feel it. Just not sure how to achieve that goal.
In case anyone is wondering… I have accepted my oddness. I realize it makes me who I am. My self esteem still REALLY sucks, still working on that. So here is hoping I am proved wrong this time…. here is really hoping !