In memoriam.

Three years ago today I lost someone… someone who I didn’t realize I would miss so badly till he was gone. He and I had been apart, yet through our girls… attached for many years. But in that horrible moment when they told me he was gone it threw our world off course, and it has never been the same. What is worse is that I discovered the depths of a pain I never understood before. I watched my beautiful girls hurt so badly, and even though I wanted to desperately fix it, I couldn’t. I watched and stood by as people attempted to, but had no understanding for the grief they felt, for the pain they experienced. I feel deeper into my own pain as people didn’t seem to understand what I was feeling. I had hoped by this point that pain would have dulled.. but I still sit here three years later, hurting.  As the minutes tick away today I will remember what I was doing three years ago. I will push away as much of the pain as I can, breath deeply, and hope I can make it through this. I will hold my daughters if they need it. I will follow their lead in what whatever we need to do to make it through this day, and tomorrow I will get up and begin year four; hoping that when I make it to this time next year, there might be fewer tears that spill from my eyes.

Robert… you are deeply missed by everyone’s lives you touched. I pray every day I am doing what you would want for our girls.  The days like today that I remember the dream I had a week after you died… sitting on a backyard swing with you, watching our girls play, knowing when you got up you had to leave. Your words still ringing in my ears. “I love you mama… you are doing a good job… keep going.”

In your memory today I do as you ask… and keep going.

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