See YOURSELF !

Anyone who knows me… I mean really knows me knows I have a self esteem of 0. This comes from years of an emotional turmoil early in life, and a not so nice boyfriend in high school (yes I let go of the pain he caused me, the damage is enough to live with). My other issue is I have a severe case of BDD ( body dysmorphic disorder). I describe looking into a mirror like looking at the ones you see in fun houses, the ones that twist everything. That my friends is a literal description of what it is I see when I look at myself.  Lately I have been trying my hardest to change that… why ?

Because five little words have been said more and more lately.

“She looks just like you.”  Most of the time they are speaking about my 16 year old daughter Sarah.  I look at my daughters.. all three of them, and to me they are the most beautiful girls in the world. So smart, so talented, so much ahead of them… and I wont be one to hamper them. I never want my girls to starve themselves, or hurt themselves, or go through nights of not sleeping wondering if they are good enough, EVER !  My heart breaks at the thought of someone imposing their opinion on my kids self worth. So I work at it, as much as it hurts… I look at myself and try to find it.

I have my days where it works, and others where I feel like breaking the mirrors.. but it takes work. Kinda like this third book -_- .  This third book is a twist off of the first two, most of the characters are the same but I have new ones, and the progression of the story is different ! I can honestly say I am not totally sure of what I am doing !  But here I am, still staring at my key board and praying for the words…. Just keep trying !

I posted on my facebook weeks ago, I posted a status cheering on the girls that grew up like me ! Cheering them on, promote being HEALTHY NOT SKINNY !!!! I hope so much that the world will continue on with the push of self image !

Till then, I still search the mirror, and tell my girls… you’re beautiful !